Friday, July 24, 2009

Ρίτσι : Γεννημένος Αρχηγός!




Με λένε Ρίτσι και είμαι ένα καθαρόαιμο Βουλγαρικό τσοπανόσκυλο. Το μόνο κοπάδι που έχω δει, αποτελείται από εργάτες κι όχι από πρόβατα. Και δεν χρειάζεται και να τους φυλάω, φυλάγονται μόνοι τους απο μένα, με φοβούνται βλέπεις.
Είμαι γεννημένος αρχηγός. Οι φήμες, ότι όσο ζούσε μαζί μας, ο πολυχρονεμένος πατέρας μου, ψιλοαδέλφιζα, είναι ανακριβείς. Τις διαδίδει η Γωγώ γιατί ποτέ δεν χώνεψε, ότι μεγάλωσα και σταμάτησα να τρίβομαι στα πόδια της και να χουζουρεύω στο γραφείο. Ο δε Μήτσος (άλλος πάλι αυτός!), δεν με συγχώρησε ποτέ, που του γκάστρωσα δυό φορές την Μέτζυ. Εγώ τί να έκανα, αφού πήγαινε γυρεύοντας να μπει στο χαρέμι μου? Ασε που, για αντισύλληψη η γκόμενα, άγνοια πλήρη!
Λοιπόν ναι, έχω κι εγώ το χαρέμι μου. Τις έχω συγχρονίσει και τόσο καλά που είναι διαθέσιμες σε διαφορετικές περιόδους. Ετσι, κι εγώ νοιώθω μονογαμικός (κατά περιόδους ε?) κι αυτές δεν νοιώθουν αδικημένες. Βέβαια ένα μίσος μεταξύ τους, υπάρχει, ειδικά εκείνη η Μέτζυ, ευκαιρία ψάχνει να κάνει κομματάκια την Πόλια. Τί της φωνάζω, τί της λέω να κόψει τα χαζά, αυτή εκεί. Κακομαθημένη. Θα την σούταρα λέμε, αλλά είναι η μόνη καφετιά και δεν αξίζει να χάσεις τέτοιο κομμάτι. Ασε που κάθε πρωί που ανηφορίζει, περνάει πρώτα από το παλάτι μου και μου σκάει ένα φιλί.
Για να φανταστείτε πόσο σωστός αρχηγός είμαι, εκτός χαρεμιού οι μπερμπαντιές κομμένες. Τόσες θηλυκές στα πόδια μου , τί να ψάχνω τώρα. Δεν είμαι βλάκας σαν τον πατέρα μου, που την κοπάναγε κι έψαχνε αλλού και στο τέλος τον έκλεψαν και έχασε την καλοπέραση. Ούτε μάθαμε αν ζει. Του τα’ χε πρήξει κι η μάνα μου βέβαια, αυτό να λέγεται.
Αυτός ο χαζο-Τόνυ που θα με θαυμάζει απεριόριστα, μου κουβάλησε κάποτε την δικιά του, ήταν λέει στην εποχή της. Με το που κατέβηκε η κυρία άρχισε τα κουνήματα. Είχα και την Γωγώ που έφτυνε ασύστολα «πωπω μια κούκλα! Τί θεά είναι αυτή, φτουυυ σου ομορφιά μου». Η ομορφιά ήταν ομορφιά πράγματι, γαλανό μάτι, καφετιά και τρίχωμα αλπακά η άτιμη. Περιττό να πω ότι με το που την είδαν οι δικές μου, πήγε το κλάμμα σύννεφο. Ισως αυτό με μπλόκαρε, είμαι και ευαίσθητη ψυχή. Χάθηκε να με απομονώσουν ή να με πάνε στον χώρο της ... ομορφιάς? Πάντως, δεν! Δεν μύριζε όπως οι δικές μου, δεν μπόρεσα. Σαν χάνος την κοίταζα που κόντευε να ξεβιδωθεί από το κούνημα. Εεε δεν άντεξα. Της τράβηξα ένα γρύλισμα γενναίο. «Αει από δω μωρή. Δεν γουστάρω σου λέω! Σε κάλεσα?». Πατάτες, η «ομορφιά». Τρέχοντας έφυγε και χώθηκε στα πόδια του αφεντικού της. Αναστέναξαν με ανακούφιση οι δικές μου. Η Γωγώ άρχισε τα γνωστά «μα τόσο όμορφη σκύλα! Πάλι άρχισε τα αδελφίστικα ο Ρίτσι». Για να μην πληγώσει τον Τόνυ τα λεγε. Κατά βάθος χαιρόταν, που είμαι τόσο σταθερός τύπος.
Για να τελειώσω τον αυτοθαυμασμό μου και την περιγραφή του υπέροχου εαυτού μου, θα σας πω ότι εκτός από κούκλος, σταθερός, γενναιόδωρος με το χαρέμι μου και τυπάς, έχω ένα άλλο προτέρημα. Είμαι κέρβερος! Δεν γουστάρω να μπαίνει στο προαύλιό μας κανένας που θα μπορούσε να κάνει κακό. Κάποτε έφαγα το λάστιχο ενός σιχαμένου , έσκασε δηλαδή με το πρώτο δάγκωμα το παλιολάστιχο. Ετρεχε ο καραγκιόζης με εκατό μέσα στο εργοστάσιο! Πήγε ο τύπος στον Μήτσο και τον πέταξε έξω «να μην οδηγείς σαν τρελλός κοντά στο Ρίτσι κι αει χάσου από ΄δω»του ‘πε. Κι ύστερα ήρθε και μου ‘ πε «μπράβο λεβέντη μου, πώς μυρίζεις τα καθάρματα». Κατάλαβα ότι έκανα πολύ σπουδαία πράξη. Βέβαια ήταν πικρό το παλιολάστιχο, αλλά δεν σκάω, είπαμε είμαι κέρβερος.


Χθες λοιπόν, έσκασε μύτη εκείνο το απαρχαιωμένο μοντέο του Ντόκτορα Κίροβ. Μεγάλο κάθαρμα αυτός. Ο Μήτσος δεν έχει ίδια γνώμη, να οι χειραψίες και να τα αγγλικά. Του Μήτσου. Γιατί ο Ντόκτορ Κίροβ μόνο το «γιιιιες» ξέρει. Τόσο βλάκες αυτοί οι άνθρωποι, ακόμα δεν τον έχουν πάρει πρέφα τον βασανιστή. Του τα ακουμπάνε κιόλας για να μας βγάζει το λάδι. Αυτουνού που μόλις έρχεται, παίρνει φόρα και να οι ενέσεις και να τα ψεκάσματα. Και να τα θερμόμετρα στον κώλο. Ολα κι όλα μεγάλε, θα μας πηδήσεις όλες τις γκόμενες με το θερμόμετρο? Καλά του έκανε ο Ευλόγκι και του πήδησε στην μούρη τις προάλλες. Γιός μου δεν είναι? Του έκανε τη μούρη ριγέ! Κι αυτός ο κάθηκος γελούσε. Δεν μπόρεσα να καμαρώσω τον γιό μου, με το γέλιο του! Ασε που μας απαγόρεψε τα ψωμιά και μας τάραξαν στην ξηρά τροφή.
Αχτι τον έχω, τον άτιμο. Αλλά δεν ήξερα τί να του κάνω χωρίς να έχω τραγικές συνέπειες από τα κουτορνήθια. Αν τον δάγκωνα ο Μήτσος θα μου χωνε κλωτσιά , μπροστά στο χαρέμι. Ξεφτίλα μεγάλη για τον αρχηγό, δικέ μου. Επρεπε να κάνω κάτι κακό για τον Κίροβ μεν, αποδεκτό από τον Μήτσο δε. Το μυαλό μου δούλεψε (όπως πάντα), γρήγορα και συνδυαστικά. Οπως έμπαινε να πάρει την στροφή για να παρκάρει, οδηγώντας σαν κλώσσα, έκανα το μεγάλο τέντωμα, ο αίλουρος. Πήγαινε και σιγά είπαμε, δεν ήθελε και κόπο. Πάτησα μια δαγκωνιά , μία χρειάστηκε μόνο. Πφφφφφ! Ο καραγκιόζης, από πότε είχε να αλλάξει λάστιχα? Ακόμα με τα χειμωνιάτικα κυκλοφορούσε. Πόσους χειμώνες είχε τα ίδια, δεν μπόρεσα να υπολογίσω. Γιατί με το που το ‘κοψα το κομμάτι έλιωσε στο στόμα μου, δεν πρόλαβα να του κάνω ανάλυση. Την ώρα που ακούστηκε το φςςςςςςςςςςςς, έφτυνα τα απομεινάρια. Πίκρα ρε πούστη μου, το κωλολάστιχο!

57 comments:

korinoskilo said...

αντρες ...... πιφ......

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Giannis said...

Αν υποψιαστώ ότι για τα 3 σκασμένα λάστιχα που είχα σε μία εβδομάδα φταίς εσύ, Ρίτσι, χάθηκες.
Υ.Γ. Ειδοποίηση: νέος τρόπος κλοπής έξω απο τράπεζες.
1. σου σκάνε το λάστιχο με λεπτό μαχαίρι.
2. προσφέρονται να σε βοηθήσουν να το αλλάξεις.
3. σε κλεβουν και λές και ευχαριστώ.

Giorgia_is_coming_to_town said...

@Κορίνα, αν με έβλεπες από κοντά θα άλλαζες γνώμη! Τώρα που το σκέφτομαι, μου λείπει ένα μικρόσωμο κομμάτι από το χαρέμι. Να σου στείλω τα εισητήρια honey? Ρίτσι.
@Γιαννη, μήπως είσαι ο ντόκτορ Κίροβ με το Μοντέο? Το ένα σου έφαγα μόνο! Μάλλον δεν είσαι, γιατί ο ντόκτορ Κίροβ δεν κυκλοφορεί σε τράπεζες. Πάει για ψάρεμα. Ρίτσι

bubbles said...

Ρίτσι μου, κατά τα λεγόμενά σου, πρέπει να είσαι μεγάλη μούρη...και πάνω απ΄όλα σωστό αρσενικό.
Giorgia φιλάκια. I'm back!

Giorgia_is_coming_to_town said...

@Bubbles, αυτό το "μου" , πολύ με ανέβασε! Οχι, δεν είμαι μεγάλη μούρη! είπαμε είμαι καθαρόαιμος, άρα έχω κοντή μούρη! Οσο για το σωστό αρσενικό, πιο σωστό δεν γίνεται. Θα ξαναγίνω μπαμπάς, στο είπα??? Ρίτσι
@Bubbles μου, καλωσόρισες! Περιμένουμε ποστάκι καλοκαιρινό ε?
Φιλιά, Giorgia

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